Loosen up: I have already loosened up, Thank you very much.

This is the second speech I gave at work.  Watch out, I get a bit preachy. :)

The topic of the speech was "Loosen Up."  Here is where I went with it:

Loosen Up: This sounds like a command.  I have already loosened up, thank you very much.  My four children have taught (forced) me to loosen up. 



Three of the four giving me advice

Turns out, when you try to hold on too tightly with kids, it is a disaster. I’ve learned this the hard way, including this morning’s argument with my six year old about being late to school. She was crying. I was sweating, and we didn't make it to school on time. Loosening up is easy to say, and hard to do.

When I talk about Loosening up, I group my life into three categories:

1. Things I let go of a long time ago.

2. Things I had to let go to survive.

3. Things I will never let go.

Things I let go of a long time ago
1. I let go of bathing the children regularly. Sure, the 8 year old starts to smell, but the little ones don’t get that dirty. Over the weekend when I was writing this speech, I actually stopped, got off the couch, and went and gave the baby a bath. She smells lovely now. Maybe I shouldn’t be so loose about that.

2. Embarrassment. I learned a long time ago that I am not a good singer, or rapper, or dancer. In my short four and a half years at my job, I have had the opportunity to sing, dance and rap in front of all of my coworkers. Those of you who have seen me do these things will know the lack of my ability in all of these areas. You probably think that I should be embarrassed more. However I don’t want to look back and know that I missed the opportunity to rap about my department or dance in a music video because I was embarrassed about how I might look. My mom always told me “no one is looking at you anyway,” and she is right. People are much more self-centered than we give them credit for. They will remember things about themselves and not how embarrassing I am.

Things I have recently had to let go to survive:

1. Sleep-I used to complain about not getting enough sleep. I would wear around my reduced sleep schedule like a martyr. I am so tired! I have all these kids! So I would throw it in people’s faces (mainly my husband). Now, I am over it. Complaining just makes me sound like a looser casting blame on my children. When the baby cries at 2am or Harper requests me to cover her back up at 3am, I just suck it up.  When the alarm goes off, just get up and deal with the day. I will survive.

2. Trying to predict the future.  I used to wake up early, layout clothes and back up clothes, snacks and back up snacks and diapers (and back up diapers). And still, STILL I would be missing something critical, like a baby seat, a band-aid or a leg splint. I had to let go of trying to predict everything because I can't.  I will be ready for anything, I just might not have all the right supplies, and that is okay. I will deal with everything once it happens, but I might just have to improvise a bit on the baby seat, band-aid or leg splint.

3. I had to let go of doing it all myself. This is a lesson that I should have learned a long time ago but instead I had to learn it through mistakes. I have learned it through some very direct feedback at work. I am thankful for that feedback, even though it was difficult to take at the time.
My husband also has given me this feedback. He fusses at me for cleaning the house instead of holding the older kids accountable for doing their share. While I didn’t accept the feedback well at the time, he is right.
By loosening up, I can do more when I let others contribute in a meaningful way.

Things I will never let go

1. I am crazy about eating dinner, as a family, at the table. My husband sighs and trudges along with me, as we sit down to eat. This is no easy feat with work, 4 kids, and life getting in the way.  Why, why am I doing this? Why won’t I loosen up? Because it is THAT important, that’s why. And we are a family. We must be together. Because of this, I find myself saying crazy things like: "Sit down, sit down, holy crap sit down! You may not go to the bathroom, this is family time!"

2. I am crazy about people being courteous to each other at work. It makes my blood boil when I see someone being mean, snarky or hateful so that they appear special or funny or smart. If you are mean, you are not any of those good things; just mean.  I particularly hate eye rolling. My six year old daughter rolls her eyes and she gets a time out every time. Adults should know better or should go to time out.  I love my job because I work in a place that these are not a part of our culture.  Let's work together to keep it that way.

So maybe I do need to loosen up a bit. Because I can hear my voice is raising and my face is getting hot. But when I get off my soap box and go back to my desk, I will loosen up again.  Come by and see me: I will be the one building a leg splint.

Let's Chat in the Car

The most stressful time in my house is getting out the door in the morning.  We are usually in a rush and the kids are usually fussing with one another.  I am holding the baby, a cup of coffee and my work bag as I rush out the door behind the kids.

Why do I insist on taking the children to school instead of getting them on the bus?
1. I get 20 extra minutes to get ready/run around if I take them.  20 minutes is my sanity.
2. I get to have these amazing conversations with them in the car.

A few days ago, we chatted about the fighting in Syria (I didn't turn off NPR fast enough).  It was awesome to hear Will and Abby asking questions about why people would be fighting.  They asked me who was right and who was wrong, and it boggled their minds that it wasn't clear.  Don't worry kids, it boggles my mind too.

A day after that, we talked about how hot are volcanoes and what magma is made of.

A few days before that, it was Civil Rights (NPR started that one again).  Will had studied some in school but really wanted to know why the police were not nice to people during the civil rights movement.  This one is going to take a few more minutes than we have in the car. 

Throw in a few discussions about Native American long houses (2nd grade curriculum), where babies come from (mostly when I was pregnant with C) and it is one of the best times of my day.

First Things First

I gave a speech at work today.  The only direction on the topic was to talk about "First Things First."  Here is my speech.

Having it all

It’s no secret, I want it all: A rewarding career and a big family.

Something I think you know about me is that I have four kids. I did not just happen to have four, I had them by design.

Sometimes people ask me, how do you do it all? They usually ask me when I am in the grocery while I am chasing kids and looking frazzled. I think that is a silly question. Because really, how do you not do not have it all? The kids don’t let me CHOOSE to be or not be a mom that day.

If I stop and take the question to heart instead of being flippant, there is one way to have it all: Forgiveness.

I know what you are thinking, it is not Hard work? Perseverance? True grit? Stupidity?

It is those as well. But forgiveness is the first thing.

Last week, I sent something out to my team (I manage an HR team) that I would like to read to you. I sent this out to the team after someone made a mistake.

To be successful you must: Tolerate mistakes that you make. Tolerate the mistakes that others make. I need you to try hard, to take chances, and be willing to make mistakes. Forgive yourself for falling short so that you are able to try your hardest again.

Again, I know what you are thinking, Anna, you make mistakes?

Yes, yes I do. I’ll start with my career.

Work Mistakes and Forgivness:

For starters, I was late for my interview with the CEO. How can an HR person, much less a person who interviews people for a living be late?

The worst mistake I made was when I was a contract recruiter. My client, let's call him Frank, called to debrief after he interviewed 3 candidates I sent him. I was about 8 months pregnant (because I am always pregnant).

I ran my mouth nonstop telling him how great the candidates were and basically how great I was for sending them to him. I finally paused.

And I remember what Frank said next: “Do you have any more candidates? Then he said: Anna, is this all you do?”

That just burned me up. I had just sent him three amazing candidates! I was 8 months pregnant. I got mad, and said to Frank:

1. No, this is not all that I do.

2. I have lots of other clients besides you, I have a 2 year old at home, and I am cooking a baby and could give birth any day.

3. I come to work all week to help you, and then you thank me with a snarky comment like that.

4. Frank, you should be ashamed.

He breathed heavy. Then he said: “I think you misunderstood me: I asked you when you were due.”

Oops. I apologized. I asked him not to fire me. I then went into my boss’ office and apologized to him. I requested that he not fire me.

Frank and my boss forgave me that day. I eventually forgave myself for being so stupid and self-righteous. I also learned to ask clarifying questions.

Family Mistakes and Forgiveness: This is where I make the most mistakes and I need the most forgiveness.

I am so proud that I have super kids; but I am not a perfect mom. I have a number of mommy fail moments.

1. I’ve lost Harper, more than once. I am now so scared I am going to lose her, I yell out her name only to find her standing right behind me all the time; in target, in the mall, in the grocery. This little voice from right behind my leg says “I’m right here mom.”

2. I won’t give Abby a dog. Abby got belligerent and started yelling “you don’t love me and you NEVER give me anything that I want!” Instead of being calm and rational, I yelled back something to the point of “you are right, I never give you anything. Please give me back that $10 dollars I just gave you for lunch money. And tomorrow you can braid your own hair before school and tie your own shoes. Because I never give you anything and I am not going to ever again.”

3. I am always late getting Will to soccer and football practice which makes him crazy. He loves to be early, and work and my lack of planning always have us running late, dragging our cleats behind us.

4. When my van was new, the first new car my husband and I ever bought, the cat pooped in it. Abby locked him up in the car overnight on accident. My new car smelled so bad, I didn’t even want to drive it. I was pregnant at the time.

No matter how crazy, this is my life. I could hold a grudge, never forget the mistakes, and throw it in their faces later (or my own)….or I can laugh and share these situations like in events like today.

I have made a conscience effort to forgive myself and the kids and the cat so that I can have it all. I must tolerate my mistakes and the mistakes of my children so we have the strength to try again.

First things first; and last things last is forgiveness. I am not perfect. Neither are you. But when we are trying our hardest to have it all, we must tolerate the mistakes that we make, tolerate the mistakes of each other, and try our hardest again. Perfection is not a requirement in the life where I have it all. Forgiveness is.

What do you need Harper?

Harper: MOMMMM!!! I need toliet paper!!!
Me: Harper, can you wipe yourself?
Harper: MOMMMMY!  I need you.  I  need toliet paper.
Me: Harper, I am right here, what do you need?
Harper:  I need toliet paper.
Me: It's right there.
Harper: Mom, you do it.
Me: You do it.
Harper: I am going to fall in.  You do it.

And I cave.  She has to get this before she goes to kindergarten, right?

A Matter of Perspective

I had all three bigs in the bathtub the other day.  The water was sloshing all over the floor.  The kids happy screams were echoing off the walls.  No one washed their hair or even used soap. 

I took a deep breath and got ready to start my tirade.  Clean your hair! Stop spilling water! Before I could say anything, the little baby on my hip did something unexpected. She giggled. Every time someone jumped into the tub, she laughed again. I saw a mess. She saw the funniest floor show ever.

C was right. I was wrong.

Jeopardy, hear my call

Something you may not know about me is that I am a competitive couch Jeopardy player. I sit on my couch and play Jeopardy with Matt.

How the game is played:

Step one: Record Jeopardy on the DVR so we can watch it together. Sometimes we will watch a few episodes in a row.

Step two: Go to the bathroom, get a drink, make sure the kids are taken care of because once this starts, it is on.

Step three: Turn up the volume. You need to make sure you hear the questions clearly.

Step four: Start the show. When Alex states the answer, yell out the answer as fast as you can. The first person to answer correctly wins. Yelling the answer at the tv is not required, but I think it helps.

Step five: Keep score. You only count right answers, not wrong answer. You can yell out multiple answers but only your last answer counts.

Step six: Rub in all your right answers. You will feel brilliant.

Matt and I have been doing this for years. We used to scare our roommate Lauren. We made our neighbors play a few times, but they don’t have the fire in them. They won’t yell at the TV. This is a wonderfully Perryman tradition that I am excited to pass down to my children.

A sick day with C

C had her first sick day.  She had an ear infection and a fever.  Poor little thing she didn't feel good.  Even when she is sick, she is still so cute!