Having it all
It’s no secret, I want it all: A rewarding career and a big family.
Something I think you know about me is that I have four kids. I did not just happen to have four, I had them by design.
Sometimes people ask me, how do you do it all? They usually ask me when I am in the grocery while I am chasing kids and looking frazzled. I think that is a silly question. Because really, how do you not do not have it all? The kids don’t let me CHOOSE to be or not be a mom that day.
If I stop and take the question to heart instead of being flippant, there is one way to have it all: Forgiveness.
I know what you are thinking, it is not Hard work? Perseverance? True grit? Stupidity?
It is those as well. But forgiveness is the first thing.
Last week, I sent something out to my team (I manage an HR team) that I would like to read to you. I sent this out to the team after someone made a mistake.
To be successful you must: Tolerate mistakes that you make. Tolerate the mistakes that others make. I need you to try hard, to take chances, and be willing to make mistakes. Forgive yourself for falling short so that you are able to try your hardest again.
Again, I know what you are thinking, Anna, you make mistakes?
Yes, yes I do. I’ll start with my career.
Work Mistakes and Forgivness:
For starters, I was late for my interview with the CEO. How can an HR person, much less a person who interviews people for a living be late?
The worst mistake I made was when I was a contract recruiter. My client, let's call him Frank, called to debrief after he interviewed 3 candidates I sent him. I was about 8 months pregnant (because I am always pregnant).
I ran my mouth nonstop telling him how great the candidates were and basically how great I was for sending them to him. I finally paused.
And I remember what Frank said next: “Do you have any more candidates? Then he said: Anna, is this all you do?”
That just burned me up. I had just sent him three amazing candidates! I was 8 months pregnant. I got mad, and said to Frank:
1. No, this is not all that I do.
2. I have lots of other clients besides you, I have a 2 year old at home, and I am cooking a baby and could give birth any day.
3. I come to work all week to help you, and then you thank me with a snarky comment like that.
4. Frank, you should be ashamed.
He breathed heavy. Then he said: “I think you misunderstood me: I asked you when you were due.”
Oops. I apologized. I asked him not to fire me. I then went into my boss’ office and apologized to him. I requested that he not fire me.
Frank and my boss forgave me that day. I eventually forgave myself for being so stupid and self-righteous. I also learned to ask clarifying questions.
Family Mistakes and Forgiveness: This is where I make the most mistakes and I need the most forgiveness.
1. I’ve lost Harper, more than once. I am now so scared I am going to lose her, I yell out her name only to find her standing right behind me all the time; in target, in the mall, in the grocery. This little voice from right behind my leg says “I’m right here mom.”
2. I won’t give Abby a dog. Abby got belligerent and started yelling “you don’t love me and you NEVER give me anything that I want!” Instead of being calm and rational, I yelled back something to the point of “you are right, I never give you anything. Please give me back that $10 dollars I just gave you for lunch money. And tomorrow you can braid your own hair before school and tie your own shoes. Because I never give you anything and I am not going to ever again.”
3. I am always late getting Will to soccer and football practice which makes him crazy. He loves to be early, and work and my lack of planning always have us running late, dragging our cleats behind us.
4. When my van was new, the first new car my husband and I ever bought, the cat pooped in it. Abby locked him up in the car overnight on accident. My new car smelled so bad, I didn’t even want to drive it. I was pregnant at the time.
No matter how crazy, this is my life. I could hold a grudge, never forget the mistakes, and throw it in their faces later (or my own)….or I can laugh and share these situations like in events like today.
I have made a conscience effort to forgive myself and the kids and the cat so that I can have it all. I must tolerate my mistakes and the mistakes of my children so we have the strength to try again.
First things first; and last things last is forgiveness. I am not perfect. Neither are you. But when we are trying our hardest to have it all, we must tolerate the mistakes that we make, tolerate the mistakes of each other, and try our hardest again. Perfection is not a requirement in the life where I have it all. Forgiveness is.
